An unspoken but known fact of the psychological discipline is that ideology and philosophy inform theoretical orientation and therefore research and intervention. The values and virtues specific to that philosophical orientation then determine what is considered healthy or unhealthy, functional or dysfunctional. A society’s assessment of ‘health’ cannot be disentangled from its values, it is informed by them. And the West is no exception.
The philosophical soil from which modern secular psychology grew was not neutral in. As modernity unfolded, materialism replaced metaphysics and the philosophy of the West became individualistic in essence and capitalistic in manifestation. The physical world became the only world that mattered, and all higher realities were reduced to chemical, biological, or neurological processes. This is demonstrated in its obsession with mental health & wellness. Much of Western psychological research is conducted with the overarching objective of curing mental & emotional suffering (e.g. depression & anxiety) and producing happiness, pleasure and productivity.
Among others, René Descartes, one of the founding minds of Europe’s philosophical renaissance, pioneered this shift. He split the world into res cogitans and res extensa: the mind and the body as separate entities. This dualism laid the groundwork for the scientific objectification of nature and, eventually, of man himself. Once the soul was split from the body, the psyche could be dissected, measured, and explained as mechanism. It’s ironic to contemplate what has become of psych-ology when the etymology of the word itself (‘psyche’ ψυχή, meaning soul or spirit, and ‘logos’ λόγος, meaning rational study) still suggests a study of the spiritual rather than the material (mind & brain). What was once mystery became machinery. After Descartes, psychology, in an effort to prove itself a material science among sciences, abandoned the soul it was named after (ψυχή) and adopted the language of neurons and neurotransmitters.
In this materialist framework, value no longer derived from moral hierarchy but from the individual’s experience of pleasure and pain. Morality dissolved into preference. The good life was redefined as the comfortable life: the maximisation of happiness and the minimisation of suffering. The individual, detached from community, became the final arbiter of meaning and purpose. However, without a common conception of the good, moral discourse loses coherence; it becomes negotiation rather than truth-seeking. In such a world, the moral language survives, but its substance is gone. We speak of ‘rights,’ ‘authenticity,’ and ‘values,’ yet these words float free from any metaphysical anchor. They are fragments of an older moral architecture whose foundations have long since eroded. It falls on the self to now continually redefine itself, its commitments, and its virtues in response to an ever-shifting social terrain. A fixated commitment to our individualistic pursuit of happiness now lies at the heart of what we perceive as mental and emotional ‘health’.
But if happiness and enjoyment of life is ‘health’, is unhappiness and struggle ‘ill-health’? Isn’t struggle natural and inevitable? Are sorrow and grief not a part of the human condition? Are we to pathologise every ache of the soul? I used to believe that emotional pain was something to be solved, something that signified to me a failure in my personal growth. The realisation that we cannot escape emotional pain in this life and shouldn’t expect to has been utterly liberating. Happiness can never be guaranteed. We are all bound to experience loss, grief, failure, and shame. Nobody is above the laws of life. To set happiness and the absence of suffering as your goal, is to set yourself up for a life of misery.
Furthermore, if happiness is an individualistic pursuit, then it only makes sense to become self-serving. If the self is both subject and object of devotion, then self-interest becomes virtuous. We now find ourselves in a society where self-care and self-development dominate the wellness discourse. ‘Self-love’ now stands as one of the clearest examples of how philosophical shifts manifest as psychological imperatives. Today, self-love is placed as the epitome of mental well-being. The collective history of psychological research robustly indicates that we all have a number of fixed psychological needs that, if unfulfilled, dictate our psychological health the same way unfulfilled physical needs dictate our physical health. For the largest part of human history and across most cultures, these needs have remained relatively fixed around three major themes: (1) autonomy/choice, (2) competence/dignity, and (3) belonging/connection.
However, when a profit-driven, materially-oriented, and hyper-individualistic society finds itself incompatible with our inherent psychological makeup, those needs are simply replaced with artificial and distorted needs (consumerism, hedonism, cosmetic perfectionism, recognition, hyper-productivity, entertainment escapism etc). The result in doing so is that construct a fragile and misleading psychological theory of self based on the social condition rather than the human condition. This substitution not only breeds personal dissatisfaction but it also alienates us from the very sources of meaning, connection, and stability that sustain true psychological well-being and that has been self-evident. In what follows, I intend to use self-love as an example of one of these distortions and as a pathway toward what I believe may be the most critically undervalued psychological need of all: self-respect.
Self-Respect
Self-respect is fundamentally different to self-love in that it is not contingent upon self-affirmation or external validation. Self-love encourages a self-acceptance without challenge or accountability, while self-respect demands integrity, discipline, and, most importantly, a steadfast alignment with one's values. If your worldview is one of higher purpose and one that acknowledges the reality that struggle is a condition of life, ‘feeling good’ is peripheral. What becomes central is dignity, self-confidence, resilience, and an ability to rely on yourself. Unlike self-love, which has few, if any, conditions and can drift into narcissism or self-indulgence, self-respect demands a lot from us. It requires that we honour our commitments and uphold our moral principles practically. It requires that we repeatedly do what we say we will do.
Bandura (1977) frequently referred to a behavioural concept called ‘self-efficacy’ in his work. It refers to how deeply an individual believes in his or her capacity to exert control over their own motivation, behaviour, and social environment. Bandura’s discovery was that despite having the tools and skills to complete a task, a person with a low sense of self-efficacy would not have the capacity to utilise them. You will not succeed if you do not believe you can. It’s a rather basic and seemingly fairly obvious concept, however, it is particularly meaningful in relation to self-respect.
In every situation, you are simultaneously both the actor and observer of your life. In every interaction with another person you are simultaneously interacting with that person and watching yourself interact with that person. This is meaningful. Self-respect is a psychological need that can only be fulfilled independently of others; it is established by you, within you, in front of you.
You develop your self-respect when you say you’ll wash the dishes, start to wash the dishes, and observe yourself finish washing the dishes. You develop your self-respect when you say you’ll do the assignment, write the assignment, and observe yourself submit the assignment. You develop your self-respect when you say you’ll spend more time with the kids, set out the time to play with the kids, and observe yourself play with the kids. We don’t often think of ourselves as an audience or a spectator to our choices, but we are. Every decision we make is witnessed by the sitting observer within us; the part of ourselves that knows when we have honoured our word or betrayed it. This observer does not judge with external standards; it registers, with quiet certainty, whether we are living in alignment with our values or falling short of them. Over time, these observations accumulate, shaping how we see ourselves. When we consistently follow through on our commitments, no matter how small, we reinforce a sense of integrity, of competence. Conversely, when we repeatedly neglect our own promises, we erode our self-respect, fostering guilt, disappointment, and a low self-esteem.
This is why self-respect is not something that can be granted to us by others; it is built through action, and a deep and personal accountability to oneself. Self-respect is a need and, unlike self-love, we cannot hope to be psychologically healthy without it. Lacking it, we deplete self-esteem, we become unanchored, disconnected from ourselves and the deeper sense of dignity that gives life meaning. It is not about grand gestures or public recognition, but about the everyday moments where we prove to ourselves that we are dependable and worthy of trust. The way we speak to ourselves, the standards we uphold in private, the things we do when no one else is watching; these define our relationship with ourselves far more than anything external ever could.
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References
Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191–215.
I believe that self-respect and self-accountability are rarely discussed in the wellness industry because these concepts are often at odds with the capitalist nature of the industry.
However, I also think we don't have to choose one over the other. When self-respect is taken to an extreme, it can lead to perfectionism and self-criticism when we fail to meet our own standards. This is where self-love can provide balance.
Unfortunately, the term "self-love" has been so hijacked by the industry until it's now equated with self-indulgence. Instead of "self-love," I prefer the term "self-compassion," as it encompasses the idea of being aware of our perceived weaknesses without being too hard on ourselves.
This is quite an insightful read. The indulgence fostered by prioritizing self-love over self-respect seems to be a key factor in the gradual erosion of personal accountability we see today. When self-love becomes the focus, it can lead to self-justification and neglect of responsibility. True personal growth and integrity come from self-respect, which holds us accountable to our actions and values. Without it, self-love risks becoming a crutch that enables complacency.