I believe that self-respect and self-accountability are rarely discussed in the wellness industry because these concepts are often at odds with the capitalist nature of the industry.
However, I also think we don't have to choose one over the other. When self-respect is taken to an extreme, it can lead to perfectionism and self-criticism when we fail to meet our own standards. This is where self-love can provide balance.
Unfortunately, the term "self-love" has been so hijacked by the industry until it's now equated with self-indulgence. Instead of "self-love," I prefer the term "self-compassion," as it encompasses the idea of being aware of our perceived weaknesses without being too hard on ourselves.
I appreciate your comment and agree with you, Nurul. I have a book by Tara Brach called "Radical Self Acceptance" and I find myself using "self-compassion" and "self-acceptance" in place of self-love in my journal entries to find that sense of balance. <3
The term "self-compassion" is a lot more centered than "self-love" -- self-respect seems more important and ties in more directly with self-esteem, self-worth and self-integrity. I'm a reader of the Stoics and this seems to align with a quieter, less decadent and self-serving value, and reintegrates the need for keeping promises to yourself, which can often be hard, but I've realized over time, through exp and reading, that this is a cornerstone to staying mentally strong and regarding myself with more respect, and others seem to respond better to this attitude/aura. Love shouldn't be the totality of our view of yourself, but it's important, and perhaps need better reframing to move away from the capitalist and non-accountable labels and reaffirmed as balanced and part of the basis of how we connect with ourselves and others in a way that fosters respect, support, and that human feeling of being a part of the same human family, and remembering as we are responsible for ourselves, we affect our communities and relationships around us too.
This is quite an insightful read. The indulgence fostered by prioritizing self-love over self-respect seems to be a key factor in the gradual erosion of personal accountability we see today. When self-love becomes the focus, it can lead to self-justification and neglect of responsibility. True personal growth and integrity come from self-respect, which holds us accountable to our actions and values. Without it, self-love risks becoming a crutch that enables complacency.
A great article. What stands out most is the idea that we are both the actor and the observer in our own lives. This perspective forces a level of introspection that self-love alone does not demand. If self-love is about acceptance, self-respect is about accountability. And perhaps, in the end, it is self-respect that sustains us when self-love falters… because knowing that we have upheld our own word and lived in accordance with our values carries a strength that external validation never can.
But I do wonder how did we arrive at a framework that elevates self-love over self-respect? Perhaps because self-love is effortless, while self-respect demands work. One soothes, the other challenges. In a world seeking comfort, self-love is the easy sell. But without self-respect, even the deepest self-love feels hollow.
Beautifully explained! I agree with you - our minds will do anything to avoid hard work discomfort or accountability. It takes a very strong and determined character to do this. Even Umar RA said “I will hold myself accountable before I am held accountable” it speaks to this high level of self respect and self trust he had - that Islam teaches. Concepts of Muhassaba and Murakkabah as well. Alhamdulilah for Islam 💛
As someone a little older maybe who as observed the changes in our culture, I would say that the elevation of self-love over self-respect springs from the counterculture changes in the 1960s, from a rejection of "establishment" values. When I was growing up there was an emphasis on traditional values, partly flawed to be sure, but for the most part effective at promoting humility, restraint, modesty, integrity and honor. We have seen that 'code' (for lack of a better term) dismantled and probably some parts of it deserved to have been dismantled, but I think modern society and culture has thrown the baby out with the bath water (the bath water being racism, sexism, lack of tolerance, etc.) and people today without being forced to think about self-respect and the work required to achieve it, seem to be rudderless with little ability to control their emotions, cope with difficulties or conduct themselves in ways that would have been expected of them in 1940 for example. This is super noticeable in TV shows and how adults were depicted vs today. Previously, even in comedies they were for the most part portrayed as competent and at least striving for dignity, now TV is full of incompetent, selfish and undignified characters.
Loved this! Allah is watching me, and I'm watching me too. And the two angels. And perhaps my qareen as well. But the most important are Allah swt and myself. For I must aim to please Allah and respect my watching self.
I say this every time but i love the art you use!!
While the West has been individualistic at least since the Englightment (maybe earlier), the idea of self-love and happiness supplanting all else as the end all goal is relatively new. Individualism, we must remember, is not a bad thing and arose in opposition to some of the more oppressive societal constructs in the past, but like everything else, its implementation must be moderated such that it empowers maximizing human flourishing without going so far as to have the negative impact on that same goal. Possibly controversially, I would say much the same about Capitalism, it maximizes human freedom (You are free to create, I am free to invest, another free to consume) and actually serves to minimize corruption, and it is more responsive to individual freedoms and reforms (doesn't treat society as a large faceless collective) but without guardrails and regulation (and we probably don't have enough) like anything else it can generate bad outcomes. Being intentional about curating the self respect you advocate in this article goes a long way to moderating both hyper-individualism and excesses of capitalism.
Interesting... Was there a specific oppressive regime individualism came to counteract? Or was it a part of the American Revolution?
I agree, society must have somewhat of a balance between being individualistic and collectivistic. But I have to say (respectfully), humans can flourish the most only when they work together for a collective goal of our future, rather than a 'I'll do my thing, you do yours' kind of mindset. I believe this also brings about a sense of belonging and direction, from the youth to the elderly.
And capitalism...well, we can all see how much 'freedom' is being given to the people right now🙃
This post has some wonderful insights on keeping promises to oneself and the importance of building self-trust - a core aspect of self-esteem.
But I fear there is a missing element of grace. Self-love is having compassion and mercy for ourselves - even when we fall short of our expectations. To me it's akin to loving ourselves the way a parent loves a child or the love of God - unconditional, despite every imperfection. That is in no way encouraging bad behavior (God and parents alike want you to grow) but recognizing our inherent worthiness of love and acceptance, even in our flawed moments, lays the groundwork for meaningful change. As you point out, believing in our ability to grow (self-efficacy) is crucial. And the opposite of self-love is self-rejection or shame - the most impairing feeling in our relationship to ourselves - and not one that is at all conducive to growth.
As @Jeff Story points out, I appreciate your "emphasis on building self-esteem through action". But there is a balance. It's a well-known principle in psychology and education that learning best happens in safe and supportive environments. Self-love, grace, and compassion are critical to that.
We have to have some ease as we move through this life - it's too tough not to.
Agree with you. Self love/care/compassion/mercy what ever you want to call it is important to have as we move through the difficulties. So along with the self respect/trust/accountability we need both. And that these two concepts (among others) should be less about replacing the terms, and more about combining them in a balance. Beautifully said.
I think the focus of this article however is more about emphasizing self respect/trust/accountability simply to counterbalance how far! We’ve taken self love/care/ and even self worship as a society! In a superficial sense, based on our own needs and obsessions. Continuously putting ourselves, feelings, thoughts, perceptions and “our truths” above other people, or even what is real. When we are doing one without the other it turns into extremism. One side becomes too harsh. The other too soft, and lacks accountability. So like you said, beautifully, it’s the balance that is truly required.
Wow, what a piece. I've also found self love to occasionally be lacking as I overindulge in self pleasure rather than doing what needs to be done. You words also explain why people who are self loving may indulge in self disrespecting behaviors because the two are not the same. I wish you had tied it all together at the end by explaining the mutual differences between loving yourself and respecting yourself and clarified how society plays a role in pushing us towards the former. But your words ring true all the same.
I have experienced that when I practice non-judgment & compassion - to others or myself - I can give & receive love. Often, though, I feel that something is missing. I am acutely aware of the large gap between what I promise & what I do. So, now, I rarely commit to anything. But, that behavior is antithetical to my desire to serve others in the world. I can see that self-respect has been a huge missing. It was a vague concept. Because of its presentation here, I can see that it is achievable. What I promise myself will be the most challenging to fulfill. My plan is to chart & track my promises through to completion. And, I will start with a few small ones, so that I can be inspired by successes. I feel grateful for this article.
What about loving the less enviable parts of yourself? When we love others we don’t love them any less when exposed to their flaws. Surely, the same logic ought to apply to self love.
Brilliant - you've articulated this perfectly! I've been sceptical of the self-love movement for a while but this encapsulates my thoughts better than I could ever have said it myself! Thank you for these reflections - I will be thinking about this for a while.
I believe that self-respect and self-accountability are rarely discussed in the wellness industry because these concepts are often at odds with the capitalist nature of the industry.
However, I also think we don't have to choose one over the other. When self-respect is taken to an extreme, it can lead to perfectionism and self-criticism when we fail to meet our own standards. This is where self-love can provide balance.
Unfortunately, the term "self-love" has been so hijacked by the industry until it's now equated with self-indulgence. Instead of "self-love," I prefer the term "self-compassion," as it encompasses the idea of being aware of our perceived weaknesses without being too hard on ourselves.
I appreciate your comment and agree with you, Nurul. I have a book by Tara Brach called "Radical Self Acceptance" and I find myself using "self-compassion" and "self-acceptance" in place of self-love in my journal entries to find that sense of balance. <3
The term "self-compassion" is a lot more centered than "self-love" -- self-respect seems more important and ties in more directly with self-esteem, self-worth and self-integrity. I'm a reader of the Stoics and this seems to align with a quieter, less decadent and self-serving value, and reintegrates the need for keeping promises to yourself, which can often be hard, but I've realized over time, through exp and reading, that this is a cornerstone to staying mentally strong and regarding myself with more respect, and others seem to respond better to this attitude/aura. Love shouldn't be the totality of our view of yourself, but it's important, and perhaps need better reframing to move away from the capitalist and non-accountable labels and reaffirmed as balanced and part of the basis of how we connect with ourselves and others in a way that fosters respect, support, and that human feeling of being a part of the same human family, and remembering as we are responsible for ourselves, we affect our communities and relationships around us too.
This is quite an insightful read. The indulgence fostered by prioritizing self-love over self-respect seems to be a key factor in the gradual erosion of personal accountability we see today. When self-love becomes the focus, it can lead to self-justification and neglect of responsibility. True personal growth and integrity come from self-respect, which holds us accountable to our actions and values. Without it, self-love risks becoming a crutch that enables complacency.
Beautifully said!
Rubbish.
A great article. What stands out most is the idea that we are both the actor and the observer in our own lives. This perspective forces a level of introspection that self-love alone does not demand. If self-love is about acceptance, self-respect is about accountability. And perhaps, in the end, it is self-respect that sustains us when self-love falters… because knowing that we have upheld our own word and lived in accordance with our values carries a strength that external validation never can.
But I do wonder how did we arrive at a framework that elevates self-love over self-respect? Perhaps because self-love is effortless, while self-respect demands work. One soothes, the other challenges. In a world seeking comfort, self-love is the easy sell. But without self-respect, even the deepest self-love feels hollow.
Beautifully explained! I agree with you - our minds will do anything to avoid hard work discomfort or accountability. It takes a very strong and determined character to do this. Even Umar RA said “I will hold myself accountable before I am held accountable” it speaks to this high level of self respect and self trust he had - that Islam teaches. Concepts of Muhassaba and Murakkabah as well. Alhamdulilah for Islam 💛
Yes indeed. Alhamdulillah for Islam!
As someone a little older maybe who as observed the changes in our culture, I would say that the elevation of self-love over self-respect springs from the counterculture changes in the 1960s, from a rejection of "establishment" values. When I was growing up there was an emphasis on traditional values, partly flawed to be sure, but for the most part effective at promoting humility, restraint, modesty, integrity and honor. We have seen that 'code' (for lack of a better term) dismantled and probably some parts of it deserved to have been dismantled, but I think modern society and culture has thrown the baby out with the bath water (the bath water being racism, sexism, lack of tolerance, etc.) and people today without being forced to think about self-respect and the work required to achieve it, seem to be rudderless with little ability to control their emotions, cope with difficulties or conduct themselves in ways that would have been expected of them in 1940 for example. This is super noticeable in TV shows and how adults were depicted vs today. Previously, even in comedies they were for the most part portrayed as competent and at least striving for dignity, now TV is full of incompetent, selfish and undignified characters.
Loved this! Allah is watching me, and I'm watching me too. And the two angels. And perhaps my qareen as well. But the most important are Allah swt and myself. For I must aim to please Allah and respect my watching self.
I say this every time but i love the art you use!!
“God is watching me, and I’m watching me too.”
Love that!
"The philosophy of the West is individualistic in essence and capitalistic in manifestation."
Couldn't have worded it better!
Thank you!
While the West has been individualistic at least since the Englightment (maybe earlier), the idea of self-love and happiness supplanting all else as the end all goal is relatively new. Individualism, we must remember, is not a bad thing and arose in opposition to some of the more oppressive societal constructs in the past, but like everything else, its implementation must be moderated such that it empowers maximizing human flourishing without going so far as to have the negative impact on that same goal. Possibly controversially, I would say much the same about Capitalism, it maximizes human freedom (You are free to create, I am free to invest, another free to consume) and actually serves to minimize corruption, and it is more responsive to individual freedoms and reforms (doesn't treat society as a large faceless collective) but without guardrails and regulation (and we probably don't have enough) like anything else it can generate bad outcomes. Being intentional about curating the self respect you advocate in this article goes a long way to moderating both hyper-individualism and excesses of capitalism.
Interesting... Was there a specific oppressive regime individualism came to counteract? Or was it a part of the American Revolution?
I agree, society must have somewhat of a balance between being individualistic and collectivistic. But I have to say (respectfully), humans can flourish the most only when they work together for a collective goal of our future, rather than a 'I'll do my thing, you do yours' kind of mindset. I believe this also brings about a sense of belonging and direction, from the youth to the elderly.
And capitalism...well, we can all see how much 'freedom' is being given to the people right now🙃
Would love to read your opinion!
This post has some wonderful insights on keeping promises to oneself and the importance of building self-trust - a core aspect of self-esteem.
But I fear there is a missing element of grace. Self-love is having compassion and mercy for ourselves - even when we fall short of our expectations. To me it's akin to loving ourselves the way a parent loves a child or the love of God - unconditional, despite every imperfection. That is in no way encouraging bad behavior (God and parents alike want you to grow) but recognizing our inherent worthiness of love and acceptance, even in our flawed moments, lays the groundwork for meaningful change. As you point out, believing in our ability to grow (self-efficacy) is crucial. And the opposite of self-love is self-rejection or shame - the most impairing feeling in our relationship to ourselves - and not one that is at all conducive to growth.
As @Jeff Story points out, I appreciate your "emphasis on building self-esteem through action". But there is a balance. It's a well-known principle in psychology and education that learning best happens in safe and supportive environments. Self-love, grace, and compassion are critical to that.
We have to have some ease as we move through this life - it's too tough not to.
Agree with you. Self love/care/compassion/mercy what ever you want to call it is important to have as we move through the difficulties. So along with the self respect/trust/accountability we need both. And that these two concepts (among others) should be less about replacing the terms, and more about combining them in a balance. Beautifully said.
I think the focus of this article however is more about emphasizing self respect/trust/accountability simply to counterbalance how far! We’ve taken self love/care/ and even self worship as a society! In a superficial sense, based on our own needs and obsessions. Continuously putting ourselves, feelings, thoughts, perceptions and “our truths” above other people, or even what is real. When we are doing one without the other it turns into extremism. One side becomes too harsh. The other too soft, and lacks accountability. So like you said, beautifully, it’s the balance that is truly required.
Wow, what a piece. I've also found self love to occasionally be lacking as I overindulge in self pleasure rather than doing what needs to be done. You words also explain why people who are self loving may indulge in self disrespecting behaviors because the two are not the same. I wish you had tied it all together at the end by explaining the mutual differences between loving yourself and respecting yourself and clarified how society plays a role in pushing us towards the former. But your words ring true all the same.
Thank you! Well said and I appreciate the feedback and absolutely see the need🙏🏻
I have experienced that when I practice non-judgment & compassion - to others or myself - I can give & receive love. Often, though, I feel that something is missing. I am acutely aware of the large gap between what I promise & what I do. So, now, I rarely commit to anything. But, that behavior is antithetical to my desire to serve others in the world. I can see that self-respect has been a huge missing. It was a vague concept. Because of its presentation here, I can see that it is achievable. What I promise myself will be the most challenging to fulfill. My plan is to chart & track my promises through to completion. And, I will start with a few small ones, so that I can be inspired by successes. I feel grateful for this article.
I absolute relate with you Pamela and that is what drove me to the same understanding you beautifully describe here.
Self love is when you recognize you need self respect.
Because self respect will instill in you qualities you will love about yourself: confidence, self efficacy, integrity, and high self esteem.
What about loving the less enviable parts of yourself? When we love others we don’t love them any less when exposed to their flaws. Surely, the same logic ought to apply to self love.
I never wanted the essay to end. Some really important truths that are difficult to say
Brilliant - you've articulated this perfectly! I've been sceptical of the self-love movement for a while but this encapsulates my thoughts better than I could ever have said it myself! Thank you for these reflections - I will be thinking about this for a while.
Thank you Blasma! Glad to hear it was thought-provoking
Yes you are right, I do need to get my shit together
Me too
We should always respect others and their thoughts. This is to understand there should never be judgment, without reflection, of our worth.
I came here on Camilo’s recommendation, and I’m staying for the greatness of your words.
Thank you! that means a lot
I think true (self) love demands (self) respect always.
Loved reading this, thank you!