My wife and I have what we call the terrible 3 am. This refers to a moment early in our marriage. It was one of those smoldering arguments, never quite turned mean or even loud, just a lot of mutual dissatisfaction and recrimination. By about 3 am we were sitting at our kitchen table, exhausted and sad. I said something like "well, I guess we're just done then?" She said, "I guess so" and we just say there. Then this old song from the 70s that we both love came on the radio and she started to cry and said "but I don't WANT to break up". I started to cry and said that I didn't either. That was like 28 years ago. We've had a few moments like that and have always come back stronger.
We have advised other couples that sometimes it is necessary to consider the real possibility that the relationship may have reached its' natural conclusion. This is such a terrifying thought to most couples, especially those really in love, that they do everything in their power NOT to entertain it. Much easier to just keep saying "If YOU would just change, things will be better". This is where the years of resentment build up until it really IS over.
There IS a such thing as an irreconcilable difference (this is a second marriage for both my wife and I). But if we aren't willing to face that fact, we make it inevitable. This is how it is in all relationships. Thank you for this. I always enjoy what you write and your sensitivity to the fragile and foolish human nature.
"You must give the right to self-defence up in that moment. Repair requires you, in a way, to put yourself at the mercy of the person whom you hurt and failed to show mercy unto you." This is so profound and enlightening but so damn difficult to sacrifice when it happens. I need to work on that.
Great article! What truly stands out here is the emphasis on repair as an act of vulnerability, requiring us to relinquish self-defense and embrace accountability. This resonates with the idea that relationships aren’t just about harmony but about growth, exposing us to our blind spots and challenging us to refine ourselves.
What I would add is the idea that repair is not just a personal act. Rather, it’s a shared responsibility that deepens the bond between two people. Often, repair requires an unspoken grace from the other person as well, a willingness to meet you halfway in your effort to make things right. This reciprocity underscores a critical truth: relationships thrive not because they’re perfect, but because both people choose, again and again, to invest in the connection. It’s not just about becoming better individually - it’s about creating a safe space where both can grow together, flaws and all.
repair is only meaningful when it’s a joint effort. it isnt meant to be a solo performance, if it always falls on you to apologize or mend things, then it’s no longer compassion it’s emotional overfunctioning.
If anything, self-awareness should empower you to see when you are being asked to do too much emotional lifting and to draw the line.
When you always step in to mend, the other person may never feel the discomfort that motivates their growth.
Jazak Allah khair for sharing. Beautiful read. I've been facing a rupture in a close relationship, and this article was enlightening. May Allah bless your work
My wife and I have what we call the terrible 3 am. This refers to a moment early in our marriage. It was one of those smoldering arguments, never quite turned mean or even loud, just a lot of mutual dissatisfaction and recrimination. By about 3 am we were sitting at our kitchen table, exhausted and sad. I said something like "well, I guess we're just done then?" She said, "I guess so" and we just say there. Then this old song from the 70s that we both love came on the radio and she started to cry and said "but I don't WANT to break up". I started to cry and said that I didn't either. That was like 28 years ago. We've had a few moments like that and have always come back stronger.
We have advised other couples that sometimes it is necessary to consider the real possibility that the relationship may have reached its' natural conclusion. This is such a terrifying thought to most couples, especially those really in love, that they do everything in their power NOT to entertain it. Much easier to just keep saying "If YOU would just change, things will be better". This is where the years of resentment build up until it really IS over.
There IS a such thing as an irreconcilable difference (this is a second marriage for both my wife and I). But if we aren't willing to face that fact, we make it inevitable. This is how it is in all relationships. Thank you for this. I always enjoy what you write and your sensitivity to the fragile and foolish human nature.
Thank you so much for sharing that, that is heartwarming to hear. 28 years is amazing!
"You must give the right to self-defence up in that moment. Repair requires you, in a way, to put yourself at the mercy of the person whom you hurt and failed to show mercy unto you." This is so profound and enlightening but so damn difficult to sacrifice when it happens. I need to work on that.
Very! I’m most definitely still working on it in my own marriage but it is a beautiful struggle.
i love how quickly you responded to someone’s request that you credit the artwork!
this is the second day in a row you’ve posted something that has genuinely helped me see my own situation differently!
🙏👏
I'm so glad to hear that. Thank you Seamus!
Great article! What truly stands out here is the emphasis on repair as an act of vulnerability, requiring us to relinquish self-defense and embrace accountability. This resonates with the idea that relationships aren’t just about harmony but about growth, exposing us to our blind spots and challenging us to refine ourselves.
What I would add is the idea that repair is not just a personal act. Rather, it’s a shared responsibility that deepens the bond between two people. Often, repair requires an unspoken grace from the other person as well, a willingness to meet you halfway in your effort to make things right. This reciprocity underscores a critical truth: relationships thrive not because they’re perfect, but because both people choose, again and again, to invest in the connection. It’s not just about becoming better individually - it’s about creating a safe space where both can grow together, flaws and all.
you have spoken my mind.
repair is only meaningful when it’s a joint effort. it isnt meant to be a solo performance, if it always falls on you to apologize or mend things, then it’s no longer compassion it’s emotional overfunctioning.
If anything, self-awareness should empower you to see when you are being asked to do too much emotional lifting and to draw the line.
When you always step in to mend, the other person may never feel the discomfort that motivates their growth.
Jazak Allah khair for sharing. Beautiful read. I've been facing a rupture in a close relationship, and this article was enlightening. May Allah bless your work