i agree with the analysis to a T, but i’d like to challenge the idea that leaving the nest is the only way to achieve the outcomes you mention.
one feature of capitalistic societies is the breaking up of families into smaller and smaller units, with marriage becoming the most important (and capitalized) familial bond: get a big fat ring, have a big wedding, buy a home, etc. and while none of these individual pursuits are necessarily bad, we’re still operating within a broader system that pushes a specific relationship model—one we should recognize and resist. in your article you mention how these pressures drain the energy that remains for working on the relationship itself.
on the other hand, our Islamic teachings not only encourage us to treat our parents well, but to support them as they supported us when we were young. for me that’s a call to refuse the atomization of families and to instead embrace communal living—and maybe not just with parents, but with siblings and their families, or even with your chosen family; ideally in a big house… and while it’s harder, the value of the communal experience is immense. it has defined our civilization, and i’d love to honor that legacy.
finally, on a more personal note, i have a widowed mom that i’d never dream of leaving alone in her later years. i don’t see this as a compromise or the least ideal situation, but rather as a beautiful opportunity for exponential growth as multiple relationships evolve together. i believe this can work beautifully when you’re with someone who has the mental health and emotional capacity to navigate communal living—but don’t we need those qualities for life in general?
Wonderfully put! I don’t disagree and I would go a step further to say it’s not necessarily the economic framework of capitalism that fractures families (there are somewhat capitalistic societies outside of the west that are collectivist) it’s the individualism that is the core philosophy of the West that ruptures any chance of village culture and community.
I stand by my point that a protected private space is necessary for a marital development but it may not look as you’d expect. In many collectivist cultures (including Islam) couple are encouraged to leave the nest and nurture and develop another branch of the collective family tree. The couple stays close, often down the road or within the same block or in some societies each extended family has a tiny village of their own with each smaller family unit’s house circling the grandparents home as if it were a town hall.
On the matter of parents. I am in complete agreement with you. It is a woeful catastrophe how parents are treated in individualistic societies like the UK or the US. It is sickening. But circumstances and need-level will determine what fulfilling the Islamic duty of taking care of your parents looks like for each person.
Makes perfect sense. Problem is, getting your own space takes a long time in this economy. So then how do you weigh the downsides?
Is it better to marry a lot later, once you can afford moving out, or do you try your "luck" and live with in-laws, knowing you are shooting yourself in the foot, but at least you've committed now and can bhild a relationship, as additionally difficult as it will be?
A very legitimate point. I could not possibly say what the best call is here nor is it my place too. Context (logistics, space in the parent home, time, preferences, personalities etc.) matters.
Ideally it is the parents that also understand this (that ‘marriage doesn’t like an audience’) and perhaps they support their child in leaving the nest (financially, logistically, via community networking etc.)
Thank you for this insightful piece, Zahra. I can definitely imagine moving in with in-laws can be a challenge, especially for newly married couples with one partner having to adjust to being around the other's parents. Balancing being authentic with one's partner, while also being respectful to their parents and cognizant of their views and beliefs can no doubt be difficult. I think, as you said, the strongest marriages are those where both partners value the relationship and its' strength as most vital, and do what it takes to to maintain their open communication and respect for one another, while at the same time being aware of and working within the framework of what their in-laws think.
Well said! It’s no easy task and depending on family dynamics it can be chaotic and develop into something quite toxic. It’s a conversation that needs to be had more often.
Agreed, definitely a process that takes time and requires emotional sensitivity and cognizance. I think that having this conversation more often and earlier in one's marriage can be more beneficial for a couple
i agree with the analysis to a T, but i’d like to challenge the idea that leaving the nest is the only way to achieve the outcomes you mention.
one feature of capitalistic societies is the breaking up of families into smaller and smaller units, with marriage becoming the most important (and capitalized) familial bond: get a big fat ring, have a big wedding, buy a home, etc. and while none of these individual pursuits are necessarily bad, we’re still operating within a broader system that pushes a specific relationship model—one we should recognize and resist. in your article you mention how these pressures drain the energy that remains for working on the relationship itself.
on the other hand, our Islamic teachings not only encourage us to treat our parents well, but to support them as they supported us when we were young. for me that’s a call to refuse the atomization of families and to instead embrace communal living—and maybe not just with parents, but with siblings and their families, or even with your chosen family; ideally in a big house… and while it’s harder, the value of the communal experience is immense. it has defined our civilization, and i’d love to honor that legacy.
finally, on a more personal note, i have a widowed mom that i’d never dream of leaving alone in her later years. i don’t see this as a compromise or the least ideal situation, but rather as a beautiful opportunity for exponential growth as multiple relationships evolve together. i believe this can work beautifully when you’re with someone who has the mental health and emotional capacity to navigate communal living—but don’t we need those qualities for life in general?
Wonderfully put! I don’t disagree and I would go a step further to say it’s not necessarily the economic framework of capitalism that fractures families (there are somewhat capitalistic societies outside of the west that are collectivist) it’s the individualism that is the core philosophy of the West that ruptures any chance of village culture and community.
I stand by my point that a protected private space is necessary for a marital development but it may not look as you’d expect. In many collectivist cultures (including Islam) couple are encouraged to leave the nest and nurture and develop another branch of the collective family tree. The couple stays close, often down the road or within the same block or in some societies each extended family has a tiny village of their own with each smaller family unit’s house circling the grandparents home as if it were a town hall.
On the matter of parents. I am in complete agreement with you. It is a woeful catastrophe how parents are treated in individualistic societies like the UK or the US. It is sickening. But circumstances and need-level will determine what fulfilling the Islamic duty of taking care of your parents looks like for each person.
Makes perfect sense. Problem is, getting your own space takes a long time in this economy. So then how do you weigh the downsides?
Is it better to marry a lot later, once you can afford moving out, or do you try your "luck" and live with in-laws, knowing you are shooting yourself in the foot, but at least you've committed now and can bhild a relationship, as additionally difficult as it will be?
Money really does solve most problems!
A very legitimate point. I could not possibly say what the best call is here nor is it my place too. Context (logistics, space in the parent home, time, preferences, personalities etc.) matters.
Ideally it is the parents that also understand this (that ‘marriage doesn’t like an audience’) and perhaps they support their child in leaving the nest (financially, logistically, via community networking etc.)
Yes, 100%!
There should be a rent subsidy for newly weds too lol
Thank you for this insightful piece, Zahra. I can definitely imagine moving in with in-laws can be a challenge, especially for newly married couples with one partner having to adjust to being around the other's parents. Balancing being authentic with one's partner, while also being respectful to their parents and cognizant of their views and beliefs can no doubt be difficult. I think, as you said, the strongest marriages are those where both partners value the relationship and its' strength as most vital, and do what it takes to to maintain their open communication and respect for one another, while at the same time being aware of and working within the framework of what their in-laws think.
Well said! It’s no easy task and depending on family dynamics it can be chaotic and develop into something quite toxic. It’s a conversation that needs to be had more often.
Agreed, definitely a process that takes time and requires emotional sensitivity and cognizance. I think that having this conversation more often and earlier in one's marriage can be more beneficial for a couple