A marriage functions as both a laboratory for growth and a sanctuary for peace. It is where we are challenged, confronted, and refined, but it is also where we find security, sanctuary, and respite from the demands of the external world and the agony of internal desolation. It is a relationship in which the self cannot escape exposure. Our habitual quirks, our late night rituals, our guilty pleasures, our greatest fears, and our most unsavoury desires are known to another. Our false self is traded for the real self and we are seen, by an ‘other’, as fabulously flawed and yet we remain deeply cherished.
For a marriage to mature in a way that allows for this dual function, the environment must be somewhat guarded (at the very least for the first few years). With each new exposure, with each new vulnerability, the couple tentatively extends its perimeter. Trust is not something we grant all at once, it is tested in increments. Too much exposure too soon collapses what has not yet learned how to successfully bear strain; too much isolation, on the other hand, starves the marriage of air. This process is enlivening but deeply intimate. A marriage cannot pass through the checks and balances to become a true safe haven if external influences, especially those with historical emotional charge, interfere (consciously or unconsciously) with the couple’s ability to establish their own relational ecosystem.
In a lot of relationships, particularly in South and West Asian communities, the very first step a married couple is expected to take is to move in with (typically the wife’s) in-laws. I have seen time and time again how taking this step early on fundamentally disrupts the marital process. Not always, but often enough to merit generalisation. It makes it incredibly hard for a couple to experience both the intimacy that leads to growth and the security that leads to peace.
The Need for Space
A marriage is a sort of relational mirror. It reflects back to us our insecurities, our deficits, our unresolved childhood wounds, and the habitual patterns we unknowingly act out. This is precisely what makes marriage so transformative, it confronts us with the parts of ourselves that we would otherwise never encounter, and it provides a space in which these parts can be investigated and overcome (read From Half to Whole: Why Marriage has to be a Challenge for more on this).
This kind of self-confrontation is a deeply uncomfortable process. It requires an honesty and courage that cannot take place without an uninterrupted back-and-forth engagement between spouses. The problem is observed, then named, then put to the problem bearer, the problem-bearer then must muster the courage to acknowledge and own it, then theorise its origins to understand it and resolve it. It is draining and demands incredible humility. When in-laws are present in the home, in the next room, this process is inherently compromised. Couples will feel the need to either postpone or censor and suppress difficult conversations. Conflict is avoided, or approached in ways that appease the presence of an external audience.
For example, a wife who is trying to express her needs in a marriage may hesitate to do so fully if she feels observed, directly or indirectly, by her husband’s family. A husband who is learning to be emotionally present for his wife may, in moments of difficulty, unconsciously revert to old patterns of withdrawing instead. These are not signs of individual immaturity, rather they are the result of deeply ingrained defences that are difficult to override when a person remains within the psychological sphere of their family of origin. If marriage is to truly function as a space of transformation, a couple must have the space to engage each other directly, without the interference, however subtle or polite, of outside influences (particularly familial). Parents, grand parents, and siblings are the inherited scripts (about love, power, gender, loyalty, and survival) that shaped the very reflexes the couple is now attempting to unlearn and redefine. The couple must be allowed to trigger and be triggered, to hurt and to heal, to rupture and repair, without the weight of parental expectations or familial opinions.
The Need for Emotional Safety
Beyond being a space for growth, marriage is also meant to be a sanctuary. A place of tranquility, emotional safety, and deep rest. The outside world is gruelling. The responsibilities and frustrations of work, finances, and social obligations are fatiguing and a matured marriage offers refuge from those pressures. Living with in-laws, makes it difficult for this sanctuary to fully take shape. The ‘home’ shifts from being an intimate space into a shared one where expectations, obligations, and social dynamics require constant navigation. A simple evening of unwinding after a long day can turn into an experience of being on guard, monitoring behaviour, anticipating comments, and bearing the weight of unspoken expectations. There is an invisible but persistent emotional tension. When a couple faces a challenge, their ability to navigate these moments with genuine vulnerability is hindered.
Conflict within a marriage is natural and necessary, but it requires a contained, private space in which both partners feel safe enough to express their rawest emotions without fear of external judgment or interference. The presence of in-laws can distort this dynamic, leading to avoidance, repression, or the seeking of external validation rather than mutual resolution.
Distorted Loyalties
Something you tend to see in strong marriage is the mutual, unwavering prioritisation of the relationship itself. Each spouse is the other’s primary emotional anchor, the person they immediately seek in times of need. However, this prioritisation is complicated when in-laws are present in the home.
A man who continues to live under the same roof as his parents may struggle, often unconsciously, to fully transition into his role as a partner, friend, and husband first and as a son second. He may find himself caught between the unspoken expectations of his family and the needs of his wife, leading to subtle but persistent relational tensions. A woman who lives with her husband’s parents may feel the weight of expectations regarding how she should behave, how she should contribute to the household, or how she should engage with her in-laws. It is a constant negotiation of roles and introjected expectations rather than an organic and authentic development of her relational identity.
Marriage demands a clear and intentional shift in relational hierarchy. While honouring and respecting parents is undoubtedly important, the marital relationship take precedence. The couple must operate as an attuned unified front, making decisions based primarily on what strengthens their bond rather than what satisfies external expectations. This is exponentially harder to achieve when parents are physically present in the home, as the emotional and psychological pull of historical familial roles can unconsciously override the couple’s ability to establish a new, independent foundation.
Marriage is both a challenge and a refuge, a mirror and a sanctuary. For these dual functions to be fulfilled in an organic manner, the marriage must be allowed a protected space. However, I also recognise the limits of any single perspective. Life is complex and sometimes requires individual and relational sacrifices. This is an undoubtedly a contentious matter in many households.Nevertheless, I have written this as an introductory critical evaluation that will hopefully provoke curiosity in those that are willing to suspend their reflexive judgment.
Makes perfect sense. Problem is, getting your own space takes a long time in this economy. So then how do you weigh the downsides?
Is it better to marry a lot later, once you can afford moving out, or do you try your "luck" and live with in-laws, knowing you are shooting yourself in the foot, but at least you've committed now and can bhild a relationship, as additionally difficult as it will be?
Money really does solve most problems!
Thank you for this insightful piece, Zahra. I can definitely imagine moving in with in-laws can be a challenge, especially for newly married couples with one partner having to adjust to being around the other's parents. Balancing being authentic with one's partner, while also being respectful to their parents and cognizant of their views and beliefs can no doubt be difficult. I think, as you said, the strongest marriages are those where both partners value the relationship and its' strength as most vital, and do what it takes to to maintain their open communication and respect for one another, while at the same time being aware of and working within the framework of what their in-laws think.