First and foremost, I should say that ‘happiness’ is a terrible measure of success in a marriage. Life is insufferable enough alone. To combine your own set of struggles with another individual’s set of struggles and attempt to navigate them all together while maintaining some positive regard for each other makes ‘happiness’ an utterly superficial measure of success.
Marriage aside, suffering is a non-negotiable in life. Therefore, to measure your success or life satisfaction solely in accordance with your level of ‘happiness’ is a foolish mistake. So what is a more honest measure of a life well lived? If you ask Abraham Maslow, it’s self-actualisation. If you ask me, it’s a growth of character in the direction of the divine. Both require self-transcendence. Each of us have a unique set of temperamental obstacles that prevent us from that kind of success. Perhaps for me it’s arrogance, self-doubt, debilitating anxiety, callousness, or a lack of discipline. These are serious problems. Problems capable of determining the limits of a life. Problems you want to resolve. I believe a marriage, interestingly enough, is the most effective place to solve them.
The more relational psychotherapy I practice and the more I reflect on my own marriage, the more I am convinced that what you want in a spouse is someone you can spar with. I don’t mean that in a literal sense but in a psychological sense. You want someone capable of sustained, meaningful opposition. Someone observant. The deluge of problems we bring with us into the interpersonal sphere of a marriage are, more often than not, utterly unknown to us as the problem bearers. We are woefully ignorant to our fears of rejection, our sensitivities to conflict, our avoidance of intimacy, our tendency to withdraw, our insatiable desire for emotional reassurance, our need to be admired, our impatience, stinginess, jealousy etc. Whatever it is we are destined to contend with relationally, is unknown to us until we find ourselves directly in the belly of the beast. Therefore, what we need in a spouse is someone who will: (1) tell us directly and honestly how they experience us and thus what our problems are, and (2) be patient enough to guard us as we solve them.
There’s a well-known Islamic narration by the Prophet Muhammad (s) that states that a person who gets married ‘has completed half of his faith’. Marriage is categorically defined as a way in which an individual can complete their self-development. Fascinating. Why? Because meaningful psychological growth can only occur in the context of relationships. From the genesis of our existence as human beings we are wholly reliant on relationships to develop a sense of self. We are not born as individuals. As Winnicott insisted, an infant cannot be meaningfully understood in isolation; the basic unit is not the baby, but the baby and someone. In early life there is no clear boundary between self and world, no stable ‘I’ that stands apart. What exists instead is a relational field in which continuity, safety, and recognition are provided from the outside. Through being held and mirrored, physically and emotionally, the child slowly acquires a sense of existing, of persisting through time. Only then can a self begin to consolidate.
A self-image then begins to develop. We build and adjust our self-image based on the reactions of our environment (parents, siblings, peers, teachers, colleagues etc) to our behaviour. How lovable I am, how interesting I am, how funny I am, how reliable I am; that is all information that we internalise relationally. Therefore, if we are to change or develop our self-image it only makes sense that the process takes place in the context of a committed relationship.
It is tempting, at this point, to wonder if such development can be accomplished privately, that careful self-reflection, journaling, and introspection might be sufficient substitutes for a committed relationship. And while these practices are often indispensable, they are inherently limited. As Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham demonstrated in their formulation of the Johari Window, self-knowledge is structured across three domains: (1) the things we know, (2) the things we know that we don’t know, and (3) the things we don’t know that we don’t know (blind spots). The contents of this third domain are, by definition, inaccessible to solitary introspection. You cannot reflect on what you are unaware of, these blind spots are revealed only through interpersonal contact, where another person can observe, confront, and name what remains invisible introspectively.
This is precisely where marriage becomes developmentally indispensable. Over time, a spouse becomes an unavoidable witness to how we respond under stress, disappointment, and intimacy. They will observe you closely and then react to any problems they notice. In a simple sense that is how conflicts work: you observe something in someone that brings up a negative response in you, emotional or otherwise, and you attempt to communicate that. When confronted, it’s incredibly easy to miss the gold mine of opportunity for self-development that presents itself in every marital conflict and take the emotional bait. However, if you are smart enough to pause and inquire about what they are seeing that you overlook, you open access to your blind spots. Then, if you are humble & patient enough to consider their reactions to the problem they observed, you can obtain an understanding of a potential solution. Without the participation of your spouse in this process, without their perspective, you are left with half the cognitive power and half the understanding you would otherwise have.
For this reason, the success of a marriage cannot be determined by the absence of conflict (conflict is inevitable), but by how conflict is metabolised. Marital tension is not simply an unfortunate byproduct of intimacy; it is the primary mechanism through which growth becomes possible. Each disagreement carries crucial information about unmet needs, unexamined assumptions, and disowned aspects of the self. When conflict is avoided, defended against, or prematurely resolved, that information is tragically lost. But when it is approached with curiosity rather than contempt, it becomes instructive.
In a successful marriage not only are you are made aware of your many flaws and vices, but you are obligated and motivated to attempt to correct them as a result of your spouse’s refusal to tolerate them. It is the deepest and most intimate form of accountability. But make no mistake, you are not in the boxing ring with your spouse. You are in the ring with the worst possible version of yourself and your spouse is simply in the stands desperately rooting for the best version of you to win.
References:
Luft, J., & Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari Window: A graphic model of interpersonal awareness. Proceedings of the Western Training Laboratory in Group Development. University of California.
Maslow, A. H. (1968). Toward a psychology of being (2nd ed.). Van Nostrand Reinhold.
Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment: Studies in the theory of emotional development. Hogarth Press.
Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and reality. Tavistock Publications.
"But make no mistake - you are not in the boxing ring with your spouse. You are in the ring with the worst possible version of yourself and your spouse is simply in the stands desperately rooting for the best version of you to win."
Man, what a powerful way to frame relational/marital conflict. It's so darn easy to feel that you're butting heads with someone - which you technically are - but it's really yourself who you're butting heads with.
This is the second post I've read by you and I'm becoming a fan. I especially enjoyed the exploration of the hadith of "half of his faith" as it relates to self-development through conflict. When you think of it that way, it's more like you can grow into the second half of your deen now that you're married. Marriage is an opportunity to complete your faith.
Very well penned, and the art pieces are always intriguing!
Thank you so much for this illuminating and powerful piece. I am beyond grateful that God led me to it at this moment and so grateful to you for writing it. ❤️🤲🏼