Thank you for such an in depth review over people pleasing tendencies and their roots. As someone in recovery, I too often reflect on the selfless acts of prophet Muhammad and Jesus, Mother Mary… etc.
The altruism is what has been missing from my giving and supporting of others while dismissing my own needs.
Your piece has helped me to realize that when my own needs are met, I absolutely love to provide support to others. It’s when I suppress my needs to “save face” that resentment builds within.
I resonated with this part the most, as I too am against only self-serving practices. We should strive to be an altruistic empath. “Maybe my life is not about me. Maybe the purpose of my life transcends me. Perhaps the potential of what I can achieve is far greater than myself. Altruism has become so distant as if the word itself is not a member of the English language, but part of some other foreign dialect. I would even go so far as to say the concept of altruism and genuine sacrifice is treated with contempt. As if it is ridiculous, naïve, and worthy of mocking to put another person’s needs entirely above your own”.
Needed this! May Allah Ta'ala reward you sis. Please do write more about maintaining boundaries and self worth at the same time. Sometimes, letting off people and maintaining boundaries with we love and admire, makes our own self doubt about our worth, we feel less loved because we maintain a certain boundary which means the connection would be no more as close as before. How to maintain self worth then?
This is such helpful perspective, thank you. I only wish I’d seen it right when you posted it, instead of at the end of my holiday time with family… haha.
Masha'Allah, agreed with your article, however the boundaries we assert should ultimately align with our value system, which in this case is Islam, which places great value to being hospitable towards guests, however there is of course nuance and grey in every situation.
But whole heartedly agree there are many boundaries we need to set, especially as life changes and priorities change,.
The author beautifully differentiates between altruism and people-pleasing, something I wud never really sat with properly. It made me reflect on how my own tendency to please people is not always as noble as I thought. Often, I do it not out of love or selflessness, but to be liked, to be praised, to keep my image intact- egoistic? I thought i was sacrificing myself but this distinction has given me a whole new lens, and I’m thankful.
The addition of fawn to the fight-flight-freeze responses was eyeopening too as it explains so much of my instinct to appease in conflict.
But I’m still sitting with the boundaries part. In a recent incident, after weeks of politely asking someone to change a hurtful behavior,I finally drew a firm (yes, harsh) line, but the person completely cut off and stopped coming to my house. Was that a healthy boundary, or did I overdo it? Or is this just what happens when we stop pleasing and start protecting our integrity?
I am not prone to hopelessness but the trend of dwindling altruism and even vilification of it makes me worried sometimes.
As per personal boundaries, i think there is more grey area. Why did they show up at my house? I think very often improving communication can naturally support healthy boundaries without losing connection.
Another thing about personal boundaries that isn’t represented in pop psychology is that they should be stated and preferably verbally (not by text) in most circumstances. The discomfort of asserting a boundary is import. It shows its nature. The vulnerability is part of how the boundary is healthy.
Some people currently are using boundaries or more like threats of disconnection to gain power over others, to hoard resources and withhold love in the name of self-care. This type of behavior bypasses our innate social nature
prophet? Jesus??
Yes—in Islam Jesus is a prophet of God and therefore an incredibly holy figure for us.
Thank you for such an in depth review over people pleasing tendencies and their roots. As someone in recovery, I too often reflect on the selfless acts of prophet Muhammad and Jesus, Mother Mary… etc.
The altruism is what has been missing from my giving and supporting of others while dismissing my own needs.
Your piece has helped me to realize that when my own needs are met, I absolutely love to provide support to others. It’s when I suppress my needs to “save face” that resentment builds within.
I will revisit this again and again 🤍
Thank you for sharing that and I’m glad it resonated the way it did 🙏🏻
I resonated with this part the most, as I too am against only self-serving practices. We should strive to be an altruistic empath. “Maybe my life is not about me. Maybe the purpose of my life transcends me. Perhaps the potential of what I can achieve is far greater than myself. Altruism has become so distant as if the word itself is not a member of the English language, but part of some other foreign dialect. I would even go so far as to say the concept of altruism and genuine sacrifice is treated with contempt. As if it is ridiculous, naïve, and worthy of mocking to put another person’s needs entirely above your own”.
I’m so glad it resonated with you! Thank you for sharing🙏🏻
Needed this! May Allah Ta'ala reward you sis. Please do write more about maintaining boundaries and self worth at the same time. Sometimes, letting off people and maintaining boundaries with we love and admire, makes our own self doubt about our worth, we feel less loved because we maintain a certain boundary which means the connection would be no more as close as before. How to maintain self worth then?
Thank you for your comment 🙏🏻 I will take that on board!
This is such helpful perspective, thank you. I only wish I’d seen it right when you posted it, instead of at the end of my holiday time with family… haha.
Especially admired the attention to detail and explanation of the differences between people pleasing and altruism in this piece.
Masha'Allah, agreed with your article, however the boundaries we assert should ultimately align with our value system, which in this case is Islam, which places great value to being hospitable towards guests, however there is of course nuance and grey in every situation.
But whole heartedly agree there are many boundaries we need to set, especially as life changes and priorities change,.
The author beautifully differentiates between altruism and people-pleasing, something I wud never really sat with properly. It made me reflect on how my own tendency to please people is not always as noble as I thought. Often, I do it not out of love or selflessness, but to be liked, to be praised, to keep my image intact- egoistic? I thought i was sacrificing myself but this distinction has given me a whole new lens, and I’m thankful.
The addition of fawn to the fight-flight-freeze responses was eyeopening too as it explains so much of my instinct to appease in conflict.
But I’m still sitting with the boundaries part. In a recent incident, after weeks of politely asking someone to change a hurtful behavior,I finally drew a firm (yes, harsh) line, but the person completely cut off and stopped coming to my house. Was that a healthy boundary, or did I overdo it? Or is this just what happens when we stop pleasing and start protecting our integrity?
I am not prone to hopelessness but the trend of dwindling altruism and even vilification of it makes me worried sometimes.
As per personal boundaries, i think there is more grey area. Why did they show up at my house? I think very often improving communication can naturally support healthy boundaries without losing connection.
Another thing about personal boundaries that isn’t represented in pop psychology is that they should be stated and preferably verbally (not by text) in most circumstances. The discomfort of asserting a boundary is import. It shows its nature. The vulnerability is part of how the boundary is healthy.
Some people currently are using boundaries or more like threats of disconnection to gain power over others, to hoard resources and withhold love in the name of self-care. This type of behavior bypasses our innate social nature