Boundaries and Integrity Maintenance

Boundaries have been fundamentally misunderstood. The discussion on boundaries tends to occur in the context of an individual who has compromised their integrity in the pursuit of people-pleasing. Boundaries are implemented and asserted in this scenario as a way to maintain personal integrity. However, both the concepts of boundaries and people-pleasing are often misconstrued. I’d like to define the two and explore the relationship they have with each other.

People pleasing

‘People pleaser’ is a cultural term I wrestle with. The psychological origins of the term were initially used to describe the dysfunctional behavioural dynamic of collapsing your boundaries and sacrificing your personal comfort and authenticity due to a fear of rejection or a compulsive need to be liked by others. However, the term has been misunderstood and misrepresented so often in pop-psychology that it is now more often used to berate altruism. I frequently see selfless and generous behaviour dismissed or condemned on social media and individualistic and self-serving behaviour celebrated and encouraged. Is it no longer admirable to put the needs of another over your own the way a mother does to her child? Do we no longer admire the way Prophet Muhammad, Prophet Jesus, and other saints alike would go multiple nights without food so the old and ill could eat? Are we to only contribute to the well-being of others if it comes with no expense to us? Maybe my life is not about me. Maybe the purpose of my life transcends me. Perhaps the potential of what I can achieve is far greater than myself. Altruism has become so distant as if the word itself is not a member of the English language, but part of some other foreign dialect. I would even go so far as to say the concept of altruism and genuine sacrifice is treated with contempt. As if it is ridiculous, naïve, and worthy of mocking to put another person’s needs entirely above your own.

Altruism is admirable, however, that is not to say that self-sacrifice cannot become harmful. The difference between people-pleasing and altruistic selflessness lies in the intention behind the behaviour. Altruism is enacted with the intention of helping another person, for them, with nothing for you to gain from the interaction (other than spiritual or unconscious fulfilment). People-pleasing is a form of unconscious manipulation with the intention of controlling another person’s perception of you. That might sound incredibly malicious but it is often not.

People pleasing is usually (but not always) a coping mechanism with deep and early roots. When facing a threat, our nervous system operates in one of four main states: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Fawn, is when we seek to appease or please the source of the threat. Evolutionarily speaking, fawning would allow us to survive dangerous situations (such as capture or kidnapping) by avoiding conflict and placating the threat. For the average person today, fawning might look like agreeing to go clubbing with friends to avoid loneliness when, in reality, you absolutely despise alcohol and loud music. Unlike altruism, people-pleasing isn’t about the other person at all, it’s about us. We’re not actually trying to please the other person for them. We’re trying to avoid being seen as selfish or boring. We’re trying to avoid a difficult or confrontational conversation. We’re trying to avoid the guilt of saying no. Pleasing behaviours are a form of avoidance and perception control.

Boundaries

Boundaries are the delicate dance that eradicates pleasing behaviour and helps us maintain personal integrity. For example, when a friend shows up unannounced at your home and, while you feel violated and frustrated, you attempt to appear pleased to see them and let them in, you betray yourself. The solution is incredibly liberating, albeit rather uncomfortable. Assert a boundary and maintain integrity.

Often what we think is us asserting a boundary is actually us making a request. A request is what we ask others to do or change, a boundary is what we communicate we will do and change. For example, a request in response to our friend in the example above would sound like this: “Please do not turn up at my home before letting me know of your plans to do so”. A boundary, on the other hand, would sound like this: “If you show up unannounced without letting me know beforehand I’m not going to open the door to let you in.“ Harsh I know, but effective. In the first example, the ball is very much in your friend’s court - they are still in control of how they are able to show up at your home. In the second example, you have communicated what you will (behaviourally and practically) do in response and thus you are in control of their access to your home—a significant difference.

Boundaries are essential for personal integrity and personal integrity is essential not only for fostering healthy self-esteem but also for creating authentic & fulfilling relationships. When we assert our boundaries and act in alignment with our values and beliefs, we affirm our self-worth. Each boundary we assert reinforces a positive self-concept. Boundaries are not about constructing walls to shut others out; they are about being intentional with how you spend your time, energy, body, space, and privacy.