Super important piece especially with the prevalence of pop psychology! Also, your digression on God as the perfect attachment figure was my favourite part of this piece. It's a dimension of attachment that is often profoundly overlooked, so it was a treat to read <3
Thank you, sister, for sharing this wisdom with us. God bless you!
So often in life, when we find ourselves scattered emotionally, we discover that the roots of problems originated in our childhood. As parents, it becomes essential to understand how to nurture our children not just as students or achievers, but as human beings — teaching them how to function with emotional balance, compassion, and inner steadiness.
And as Muslims, we also learn to internalise a deeper truth: that no matter how complete life feels, there will always remain a gentle gap within us, a longing for His light, His nearness, His luminance. It is this longing that keeps the heart alive, humble, and connected.
You have written this article so well. I love how you move from easy to understand language to more scientific language so effortlessly! You also linked the childhood and adult attachment seamlessly while also linking everything back to God. Amazing Masha Allah
Thank you, Zahra. Try as I might to escape the attachment theory chatter, I failed and dreaded every post until reading yours. You're right to say that 'TikTok Psychology' has flattened it, and that's even kind, in my opinion. The discussions always villanise one pattern over another and fail to mention the crux that I found here— that part of regulation is meeting people where they are. Also I hope more people start identifying these attachment styles as patterns and not identities. Thanks again for an insightful read!
Thank you Nailah I’m so glad to hear that because that was precisely my intention. It is a robust theory and one that I have personally found so useful. It would be a shame for people to discredit it on the basis of how terribly it is so often represented. Thank you!
What I find that attachment styles are basically connected to core fears, especially to the different forms of fear off loss, and are linked to the capacity of emotional presence and regulation patterns of the caregivers.
Anxious attachment is about the fear of abandonment. Avoidant tendencies are linked to the fear of rejection. And disorganized is connected to the fear of betrayal, when deep trust becomes disrupted by hostility.
Being formed in the non-verbal developmental stage, they shape emotional experiences and responses, that's why are also deeply embedded, and won't go away by cognitive recognition and approaches alone. As you also say, we talk about a relational dimension, manifesting in relationship patterns, not in a fixed way, it depends heavily in the relationship itself. People with anxious tendencies can react to another anxious, constantly chasing partner with avoidance to regulate themselves.
I often use the names of Allah to deal with these fears in counseling. They are beautifully complete, and offer an absolute, secure dimension. He is always there, close, not going to leave you, nor reject you, nor betray you. People can develop compassion and fearless trust, they probably have been unable to experience through human interactions.
Unfortunately, in some, severe cases these fears manifest in their relationship with Allah as well, I have noticed it with OCD tendencies a lot.
This link is profound: Lacan’s ‘missing piece’ can be understood as God Himself, the One we long for, the One who sustains desire, the One who is never fully possessed but always pursued.
Jazak Allah khair for sharing. Attachment theory is so underrated! My mentor/coach/therapist has been working with me on my disorganized attachment style, and I've come to learn how important this subject is.
A while back, I wrote this post below, discussing the 4 attachment styles while describing some effects of it in my life. Would love to hear your thoughts on my take on this:
I love this deep dive into attachment theory and its history. When I learned about it in psych class and took the test to find which attachment style I have, it was like putting on glasses and seeing the world a little more clearly. The patterns in me finally have a name, a plausible explanation. It's a step towards healing and earned security someday, insha Allah. Alhamdulillah for neuroplasticity. Jazakillahi khayr for this!
Super important piece especially with the prevalence of pop psychology! Also, your digression on God as the perfect attachment figure was my favourite part of this piece. It's a dimension of attachment that is often profoundly overlooked, so it was a treat to read <3
I’m honoured! I considered that part a digression/tangent.
Thank you, sister, for sharing this wisdom with us. God bless you!
So often in life, when we find ourselves scattered emotionally, we discover that the roots of problems originated in our childhood. As parents, it becomes essential to understand how to nurture our children not just as students or achievers, but as human beings — teaching them how to function with emotional balance, compassion, and inner steadiness.
And as Muslims, we also learn to internalise a deeper truth: that no matter how complete life feels, there will always remain a gentle gap within us, a longing for His light, His nearness, His luminance. It is this longing that keeps the heart alive, humble, and connected.
Beautifully said and thank you for reading Aftab🙏🏻
You have written this article so well. I love how you move from easy to understand language to more scientific language so effortlessly! You also linked the childhood and adult attachment seamlessly while also linking everything back to God. Amazing Masha Allah
Thank you! That means a lot 🙏🏻
Thank you, Zahra. Try as I might to escape the attachment theory chatter, I failed and dreaded every post until reading yours. You're right to say that 'TikTok Psychology' has flattened it, and that's even kind, in my opinion. The discussions always villanise one pattern over another and fail to mention the crux that I found here— that part of regulation is meeting people where they are. Also I hope more people start identifying these attachment styles as patterns and not identities. Thanks again for an insightful read!
Thank you Nailah I’m so glad to hear that because that was precisely my intention. It is a robust theory and one that I have personally found so useful. It would be a shame for people to discredit it on the basis of how terribly it is so often represented. Thank you!
What a thoughtful and well-researched piece!! Thoroughly enjoyed reading it, your voice, and the shadow of religion there - much to think about!
Thank you! That means a lot 🙏🏻
What I find that attachment styles are basically connected to core fears, especially to the different forms of fear off loss, and are linked to the capacity of emotional presence and regulation patterns of the caregivers.
Anxious attachment is about the fear of abandonment. Avoidant tendencies are linked to the fear of rejection. And disorganized is connected to the fear of betrayal, when deep trust becomes disrupted by hostility.
Being formed in the non-verbal developmental stage, they shape emotional experiences and responses, that's why are also deeply embedded, and won't go away by cognitive recognition and approaches alone. As you also say, we talk about a relational dimension, manifesting in relationship patterns, not in a fixed way, it depends heavily in the relationship itself. People with anxious tendencies can react to another anxious, constantly chasing partner with avoidance to regulate themselves.
I often use the names of Allah to deal with these fears in counseling. They are beautifully complete, and offer an absolute, secure dimension. He is always there, close, not going to leave you, nor reject you, nor betray you. People can develop compassion and fearless trust, they probably have been unable to experience through human interactions.
Unfortunately, in some, severe cases these fears manifest in their relationship with Allah as well, I have noticed it with OCD tendencies a lot.
How incredible to integrate Dhikr into your therapy! Thank you for sharing Orsolya 🙏🏻
This link is profound: Lacan’s ‘missing piece’ can be understood as God Himself, the One we long for, the One who sustains desire, the One who is never fully possessed but always pursued.
Well said!
Jazak Allah khair for sharing. Attachment theory is so underrated! My mentor/coach/therapist has been working with me on my disorganized attachment style, and I've come to learn how important this subject is.
A while back, I wrote this post below, discussing the 4 attachment styles while describing some effects of it in my life. Would love to hear your thoughts on my take on this:
https://risingmuslims.substack.com/p/answer-me-my-life-as-an-ansari-helper
I love this deep dive into attachment theory and its history. When I learned about it in psych class and took the test to find which attachment style I have, it was like putting on glasses and seeing the world a little more clearly. The patterns in me finally have a name, a plausible explanation. It's a step towards healing and earned security someday, insha Allah. Alhamdulillah for neuroplasticity. Jazakillahi khayr for this!
This is perfection!!!! So beautifully written. Started my morning by reading this. I would love for you to write more about the digression on God
A wonderful read thank you